The Sixers did not play their home opener until January 6, All that info is not true! Ladies and Gentlemen, maybe you need to visit my Reno chapter and see how you can be a part of the solution instead of the problems. It looks like you got yourself a small cult following since my last post. Meanwhile, Neil Spiers, vice president of global business services, Herbalife , said: Archived from the original on January 13,
There are a handful of people in our BNI chapter that come out the better for their participation. Generally they sell stuff that is so generic everyone is a possible customer; banking, cable TV service, the mortgage guy passes good leads to the financial planner.
Take it home and think it over. Your a small mined prick who simply did not understand BNI. I have been in BNI for a long time and made a lot money from it,and made a lot of other members money from my own efforts.
The only saga is you. Grow up and wake up to the real world you sad twat…. I think the BNI implementation of networking is idiotic and exists mostly for self promotion. I was surfing around, found your blog and thought the response from Chris rather amusing. I figured I might add to your negative opinion about BNI. BNI wants all their members to be trained monkeys. A BNI membership in a chapter of around 20 members costs more than joining two local chambers of commerce in my area with a combined membership of over 1, A Facebook account costs nothing and you can hook up with millions of people who could do business directly with you or give you a business referral.
On the other hand, with a BNI membership you will receive: One of my life tenants is; never trust and older man that spends too much time on his hair. Ivan Misner is well quaffed hair hat. The man oozes a con-artist vibe. She was sure I was exaggerating. Mine go minimum. I am convinced that the so-called entrepreneurs prolong the agony because they have no legitimate work to get to.
The meetings are painful in the same way I imagine a spinal tap feels. I drink bad coffee and take multiple bathroom breaks just to divert my attention. I was unable to attend 3 meetings in a 6-week period - all due to legitimate, actual paying client meetings that were unavoidable. After receiving three frantic phone calls on a Thursday night by some member of the leadership team, I was put on de facto probation.
I am subject to discharge unless I can find a replacement to come in my stead. In my 2 to 3 months at BNI, I have received no referrals and I can count the total number of referrals others have received by removing my shoes. Half of the referrals sound hypothetical and vague, like they were made up on the go.
You go out in a blaze of glory. Do not let those fuckers get rid of you. You go right up to the president of your chapter and tell him that BNI is a bullshit cult and is completely ineffective. You walk away a better and richer man who can redirect your valuable time toward more productive sales channels. BNI is a brilliant way to prey on suckers. Props to that con-artist Ivan Misner for putting together such a brilliant con.
Here is the rub in his con-job. Unlike bullshit religions where everyone in the know is dead the success of BNI can be quantified with simple math. Get your average sales per member. Divide the average sales per week by the average amount of time the average member wastes on unproductive BNI activities. Have you ever seen a check book with white out and scribble in it on every line? I knew that I would never get back what I gave in the chapter, but I remained in the group because I figured what the hell, it was paid for and some people were pretty cool.
My business started to take off no thanks to BNI after we hired two full time sales people. I was to busy to attend, plus relocated far away. Everybody knows that BNI does not accept that as an answer, but it is what it is. So they dropped me and now I can never return, without the almighty ok from Chick. People can be very unreasonable and foolish. Even though I always received referrals that were bullshit. They way you could tell that is because my company provides emergency services which means I should never receive a referral at the meeting for the first time.
Its a good group to belong to if you are looking to meet business professionals. If you join a chapter you should ask that the chapter funds be reported at every meeting and a paper hand out to show what money is being spent on because it is your money. After visiting a start up chapter and listening to weeks and weeks of the BNI trainer who also sales Mary Kay and is way to perky , they pushed and pushed for me to pay and join.
Then I visited another chapter and it seemed fun and more professional, so I joined and that was a really big mistake. I missed 3 neetings in a short period and received a stiff warning via email with multiple chapter members copied on the note. We meet early in the morning and there are never any subs for anyone and many long time members miss week after week.
Do you think they receive the same warning? By the way, one of those absenses was due to my yound child being in the hospital and the others were work related. Amy… there are a lot more people that dislike BNI than like it. Look at the average chapter turnover.
The key is that they keep on finding new suckers to sign up. I am not a BNI supporter, nor have I ever been affiliated with the group. You cannot expect the BNI group to generate all of your business leads.
Based on previous members comments, SEO or PPC made have been a more effective marketing technique since people were actually looking for them. After reading articles online and speaking with several members, I think their system is antiquated. Plus, the time commitment is extreme from what I hear and the punitive system is within itself one reason why some people are passed low quality leads. In any case, the blog was within itself was extreme as to bring home a point.
I got invited to a BNI meeting as the guest of someone, so I felt flattered and decided to give it a try. It was terrible, and I was embarassed for everyone there. I was also looking around to see if anyone had the mark of the beast on the back of their necks, lol. This may sound dramatic, but the meeting was bullshit, and not only that, downright scary.
I had to be there at 6: Hey, got some more insight on BNI. I will tee up the story with a litle context: I am currently a member of a chapter. In defense of my fellow chapter members, most of us actually come out on the winning side of the dollars and cents equation. That being said, I have been trying to get a clear definition of just what the relationship is between BNI and the individual chapter members. Ok, here is what is what: What does this mean?
It means any contract that BNI tries to get you to sign after the fact will then change that relationship. The change in relationship is squarely to benefit and protect BNI, not the member. I also learned that BNI is very deft at handling these types of issues because in the twenty plus years of being in business, they have been able to develop and put into place a very calculated and rehearsed corporate protocol to deal with individuals that start to probe to deeply into the inner workings of BNI.
This is evidenced by the foodchain that has been developed and what kinds of folks are in that foodchain is the real meat. When a member questions the relationship that exists between BNI and themselves, That question is not allowed to be definitively answered by your area director or apparently by the franchise executive director franchise owner either. That is the cardinal rule. The trick here is, BNI will never define the relationship, because if they do, then they can be held to the appropriate standards of conduct and be held liable for any breach of it.
Actually, we are not even members in the true sense of the word. If we were truly defined as members, then BNI would have to admit and carry on as a club. And that is like a big no-no with BNI. BNI does everything it can to convince people it is not a club. Man, what a cryptic and convaluted organization. Lots of people in it, only a relative few making gobs and gobs of money…. Thank you for the comment. I got suckered in for a few months before it became apparent that the whole deal was stacked to a make a few people money at the expense of the many.
He was introducing us to another guy that he has worked with for a while. This is my claim to the nonsensical nature of BNI and other groups like it. Real business is done by parties that like, trust and respect each other. And lastly… if you own your own business why did you go that route rather than just get a job?
You had an idea… possibly. But more than likely you wanted freedom to work in the environment that you wanted to work in surrounded by the kinds of people that you wanted to work with. BNI seeks to marginalize the individual by making everyone act, speak and be the same.
This was an awesome article, and a lot of good, insightful comments as well. I just came back from a BNI open house as a guest, and I have to say that it sounded good at first. I felt it was really cheesy and phony, like an infomercial.
Then they said that if anyone wanted to join as a member, they had to stand up and announce their intention to join in front of everyone before the meeting was over.
I immediately smelled something fishy. These details are too important not to bring up. I work full-time, and this chapter meets 90 minutes during business lunch times, which meant it would require that I take time off work.
I imagine that other people would have the same problem, unless they owned their own business. Now I feel sorry for those people who stood up and joined. This is a great point. It looks like you got yourself a small cult following since my last post. I want to give you some updated information on BNI in my area.
BNI had three local chapters, but is now down to one and that one is barely surviving. They blame the recession, despite the fact that BNI promotes being in BNI would help business owners survive a recession. Two of my friends and former BNI colleagues had their membership terminated due to the strict attendance policy.
One has been fighting cancer and missed several meetings due to her chemo appointments. They tried to restart the chapter, but it failed miserably. Facebook, LinkedIn and other social internet sites have hundreds of thousands of members and cost nothing to join.
I hope more people who are thinking about joining BNI find your blog and think before they blow their hard earned money. I want to make some points on BNI and my experience I have to agree with some of your points and disagree with others. I am a local business owner that sell Web Design services. I found most of the junk that you mentioned above. However after spending 6 months on the BNI website I saw a new chapter was starting near me during the noon hour. I messed very well with most of the members in the group and although we follow the standards of the meeting we are more laid back.
I find during the non hour BNI takes up most of your day. Therefore I find our members have their 60 second pitch pre-written and we take notes on what each person talks about. However we have never had to terminate a member yet. We have been a active chapter for over 1 years and we only had 1 member not renew.
This is also true for myself. I referrals I have received have been of high quality and I have passed high quality referrals. Now I know just from my visits this could be the exception not the rule. When I invite my clients and colleges to BNi I tell them. BNI may not be for you. But please do your leg-work and find one that makes the most sense for you. We are greeting by a very smiley man in his mid forties. He shakes our hand and we continue up to the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs we are greeted by another man,.
Finally upstairs we are greeted by 3 more people. As i look around the room i notice 2 distinct groups. US the newbies on the other hand were slightly lost and bemused by the amount of people there. Wow, this could be a good meeting i thought.
As i fought my way through the crowd to get a coffee and a dry bacon sandwich, i caught the sight of someone who looked decent to talk to. After a few minus of nattering we did they usual of swapping business cards and moved onto the next group of people. All of a sudden and without warning all the BNI members sat down.
As if a switch had been flicked and they all obeyed. I wonder how getting in contact with the Finance director of an airline can help my IT company supporting the town i live in. So after 20 minutes or so, i was getting a little tired by now and the speakers voice was starting to drone, we all got up and had 1 minute to exchange business cards with as many people as possible. WOW, making contacts and maybe getting some good leads. As i sat down counting my newly found contacts, another speaker appeared and proceeded to tell us about the BNI and how joining it is great.
Ok, now we can get on with some networking.. First the 2 chapter leaders got up to say thank you for coming and why joining the BNI was excellent. The membership forms come out. Finally he finishes and we can do some networking. What we had witnessed, and paid good money to go too was a 2 hour long hard sell.
Grumpy- Let me start by saying that article was one of the best reads I have had in Months. Very well written, and very entertaining. You have a new Blog follower. I was a member for almost a year and I loved it. My work colleague was a member for 3 months and just quit today. BNI is only as good as the people in your group. I genuinely liked the people in my chapter and I closed some good business from the referrals I got. When my chapter broke up, I have kept in touch with the people and would continue to send them business.
It worked for me because the people in my chapter were cool. My colleague had a terrible experience. His chapter members were self-serving and his Leadership team was condescending and arrogant. His take was why get up at 5am to be treated like a jerk. If I was in his group, I think I would have had the same viewpoint.
The bottom line for me is the BNI formula is going to bring out the best or the worst in people. I can easily see how a bad group is going to pass bogus leads and generally be a big waste of time.
Conversely a cool group of people and a leadership team that encourages participation without condescending to its members can definitely profit from being a part of BNI. BNI is only as good as the people in your group and the few people running your individual chapter.
Sounds like there are a lot of the same symptoms in a lot of different chapters. I alluded to my current chapter being fairly successful. I think I can see some reasons why. First and foremost, all the folks in our chapter see BNI simply as a marketing and networking tool. In my observations of chapters that seem to struggle and folks that have shitty experiences visiting chapters for the first time, I can see some key problems. It seems to me that those chapters are focused on simply building up their numbers and membership instead of making money.
Our chapter has battled this in the past and it can be annoying. Instead of BNI being a means to an end, it becomes the end in itself. Great for the BNI franchise owners, but piss-poor for all the members that have shelled out hundreds of dollars to hopefully increase their business. Also, i have noticed that the description of some of the meeting agendas and formats are way off the reservation!
Every meeting in any part of the world are supposed to be the same. I still maintain that BNI is the Walmart of networking organizations and I think it would be fun to see a huge shake-up in the structure and methodology of it. Damn the man and curse it for actually working sometimes!!! Just think this article and the comments are mostly based on the meeting itself.
Imagine the bullshit and propaganda that is provided at at a director level! My objection to the organization was the constant pressure from our area director to sign new members. It was explained to me that there was more financial incentive for him to do things that way then fortify existing chapters.
This made the whole thing seem a little insincere. I felt for the money there should have been a little more customer service. When the number of members in our chapter were deemed insufficient by BNI corporate, our area director put us on a program which was according to BNI designed to bring us back up to snuff in 6 weeks or thereabouts, I forgot the actual number.
Well, he showed up to one of them and essentially cast us adrift afterwards only to show his face one more time several weeks later to tell us that our chapter was going to be dissolved. It made me wonder what I was paying for. My advice to anyone thinking about joining one of these chapters is investigate, investigate, investigate. Go to a few of the meetings before you shell out the money. Grab every business card you can and call everyone to get their opinion on their chapter.
Many of them will BS you but one or two will give you the straight skinny. If your business is complimentary to the business of existing members for example my business was complimentary to the Architect and Interior Designer who were already members of this chapter and vice-versa then it may be a good idea to add BNI to your marketing arsenal.
Just start a networking group. The same people with the same contacts and the same drive that build up a group for BNI could just as easily build their own group. In fact in many ways I think they detract from good networking. In my experience good quality business is done by people that know, like and trust each other. Many other people that were doing B2B sales felt exactly the same way. Most business that was passed was low level retail or very low end B2B.
That has a lot of value. What would that do to my reputation with my trusted associates? To sell them out to all manner of shysters and subjecting them to high pressure BNI sales tactics. Dutifully doing so amused my 11 year old daughter as she has wanted a Facebook account for some time and I had been stalling her.
I figured it would be a good way to check it out before I gave my OK. In short - 11 year old girls. This woman girl posted at least 30 times a day. Every bar she went to, how much she had to drink, whether she was getting it on that night.
My, My…those photos… There is no way this woman could have been doing any work at all for BNI or her business. It was one drunken sortie after another. What a great way to promote BNI. Anyway - I am in the process of leaving BNI 3 people have left within the past month and if I find the time I will pop back and tell about A. My quest to find a new chapter before deciding to finally dump these thieves and B. There are a lot of things that all of us do in our personal life that is completely inappropriate in the workplace.
Perfect example; write an angry alcohol fueled rant blog about everything that pisses you off in life. That is something that needs to be separated from your work life. I have an entire rant about the stupidity of Facebook and an even angrier rant about Twitter. The average literary content on Twitter makes facebook look like the deans list at Harvard. BNI has reduced what is an acquired art to a Billy Mays infomercial. BNI is to networking what krystal burgers are to cuisine.
In my case, as I have a business for which finding referrals is easy, I quickly earned back the annual membership fee, although if you calculate in the time investment, membership may not be profitable. However, some of us have noticed that even for the easy-to-recommend professions, almost all sales closed are for services directly purchased by other members of the group, rather than outside referrals. This goes against the concept of BNI, in which we are a sales team for the group, rather than selling TO the group.
And I fear that some of these internal sales are a result of the pressure to achieve recommendations: If this is true, it makes membership considerably more expensive. Is this not borderline ilegal? What do the Exec Dir and Dir get exactly? I do know that some people love BNI and are dying to get in though not anyone I contacted. They are at odds with each other. BNI teaches you to get to know your fellow members over time so you can trust them and feel comfortable passing them a referral.
After all, it is your reputation on the line. Its kinda like drinking half a bottle of Absinthe in a sitting: To be sure, there are some really genuine people there who are extraordinarily supportive of you and your business, and for that, I am grateful. I have gone from suspicious to livid to disgusted. I thank you for your website in which I have been able to vent my frustrations, and really appreciate the great laughs as I feel increasingly down about being involved with this organization.
Soon, I will cut my losses…. Please do yourself a favor, quit now. Quit in a blaze of glory. Quit and tell as many members of that organization the truth why you are quitting. BNI is wasting valuable that could be better spent on more effective sales channels. Tell them straight and leave. Thank the handful of people in your group that are worth a damn and bail.
Grumpy Nerd, you are so right. Because most signed on for only one year and that time is almost up, and they know that they are going to lose a lot more people. Well, stupid is as stupid does. Thanks again for the great, and frank, feedback that confirmed my initial suspicions. You are doing a great service. Thanks for your blog!
I am a real estate lawyer who has been in my local chapter for 3 years, joining as soon as I opened my own shingle. Initally, it was good for me. The real estate same one the while time sent me a bunch of referals. Now she works with sellers and sends me nothing. Mortgage person does not send me s—t even though I know she is slammed. Meeting is so long and too strucutred. Hey Jack, thanks for reading. One of the things that sticks in my craw regarding BNI is their religious blame overtone.
Like the church I attended as a youth BNI puts itself above criticism. I remain convinced that real networking is done informally between people that like each other.
Once you gain the trust of someone you do business with and once they like you they will introduce you to their other associates. This concept of structured forced networking that BNI mandates is absurd. There are probably a handful of people that BNI works well for. Good follow up comments to mine, Grumpy Nerd. YOu are right that many of the referrals are worthless or bogus.
The one exception was when the real estate agent was sending me closings with ratified contratcs. You are also right about the religious overtones.
You are made to think Ivan Misner is like the Catholic Pope and is speaking with infallibility of the Holy Spirit when he says anything. Think people, I am finally starting to. I just have to plan my exit.
I have only been a member a short time 8 weeks and every week I sit in disbelief at the brain-washing mentality. I am cynical and sarcastic by nature.
When I stood up and told my chapter that I read Givers Gain and found it very insightful into the whole BNI story-I saw my mentor sitting across the room grinning from ear to ear. I find myself dreading every weekly meeting and even though I have already made the money invested in return, it is complete waste of my time. As soon as we sat down and the whole BNI is wonderful sales pitch came out, I just felt like this was a cult recruiting for human sacrifices.
I looked at the price for a years membership and wondered how I would break even, let alone make a profit from the poor quality referrals I would surely receive. There were two competitors from my industry at the meeting as prospective members and the leadership tried to play us off against each other to gain a signup from one of us.
But the funniest thing for me was when the guy controlling the meeting got people to start filling out the membership forms and everyone apart from me just picked up a pen and started as if they were actually going to join. I could not believe that these people had actually bought into it and had become sheep in such a short space of time. Yup, a lot of ugly people in the early morning is way too much to take. But all kidding aside…what can one learn about someone in the 60 second commercials?
Nothing other than what they do. Are they reliable, honest, what are their ethics…no one cares…as long as referrals are passed. My spouse in the last 2 weeks referred four members to valued business associates.
Now HE looks like the ass…geez, what the heck did you refer these idiots for? YUP, real proud I could refer these losers to you. Each week I would create a new second commercial and present it with enthusiasm in the hopes that I would get referrals, but each week I was further disappointed.
The lawyer, real estate agent and several home improvement business owners plumber, electrician, floor guy, etc. He then went on and on about how much business he had gotten through BNI. At the time I thought it would pay off. If anyone has figured out how to do it, please let us all know!
Fictional Bullshit - the referral was simply fabricated. Thanks for the feedback, Grumpy. Like any dysfunctional group, the BNI mucky-mucks made me feel as though there was something wrong with ME! Classic writing and great points. As someone that runs and reads blogs a lot I found the lack of the usual crass or moronic comments aside from my fellow wood toothed un-schooled Brit compatriot very telling.
The fact that people are pretty even keeled about their BNI experience speaks volumes to the veracity of it what you and they say are saying. Once there I soon cottoned on to the weirdness of it all - having had a relative marry into the JWs it was all too familiar. That reference alone will bring you all kinds of sinister new traffic! Problem is that a keen radar gets well honed over the years and you know if only you trusted that first impression….
Now apart from this keen BS radar, I also have the vice of punctuality to the point where I am always stupid early to be on time.
I should have realised something was up when I arrived at 6. The hubbub down the hall should have been the giveaway. I ventured along and stuck my head around the door and there was like 20 people there already. I laughed but no one else did. The previous commenter mentioned the sudden rush for the breakfast table. Then the really odd bit struck me.
Yet almost all of the script that the meeting chairman was reading out was directed at the benefits of joining. I looked around and saw many dead and trancelike faces, most of them chomping away at caterers packs of Kelloggs or drinking powdered orange juice. Then came those strange pitches by nervous mumblers reading printed out speeches like reluctant best men at a wedding.
Or did I imagine it? The next one did too. Then then next guy had a catchphrase - and everyone mumbled the punchline together whilst spitting Rice Krispies. Others meanwhile scoffed a disgusting breakfast of overcooked crap on a plate clearly not listening why would they? Finally at the end it seemed there would be time for a chat with the two or three people present who probably could provide useful referrals but no, us visitors were not allowed to participate in that.
Really this was supposed to be the sales pitch, the hard sell, but my mob were not hot on that. Well ,partly, but the truth is that these people had kept me for so long that I suddenly realised my parking permit had expired 5 mins ago and I did not want to get a ticket just to be polite to these characters.
Yes, sorry I left so abruptly, I erm ah um… Yes of course take my credit card details. Enjoyed the comments since I last logged in. Not surprised to know that BNI sux just as bad on the other side of the pond. I left BNI and joined a small local networking group. It is very similar to the BNI meeting, but it does not do about a half-hour of the pontificaitng that you do at a BNI meeting. I had to give my 10 minute presentation at our chapter this past week.
I had referred one of my staff and I was letting them know how happy my staff-member was with their services. This person then proceeded to tell me they tried to call me yesterday to see if I wanted to give one of their products as a door prize that day. I said oh, I never got the message. What a greedy piece of crap whose business practices leave little to be desired.. Just got invited to a London BMI open morning and found this thread via Google after going through about 10 pages of various chapters.
The whole thing doesnt feel right, just getting a random phone call and an invite by MAIL only, they dont appear to trust the internet. Having read all this i am actually pretty tempted to go along and just see WTF all these people are on purely for entertainment value. There might even be an article in it i freelance. I understand your frustration. I am a lawyer and i only practice in 4 areas, mostly real estate closing.
I want closings from the realtor and the mortgage person. They have not sent me crap recently which is why I am leaving. Like child custody and criminal. Have you been listening to my infomercial?
It is funny you say what you did. I had gotten these strange letters before. We had to send letters to 5 people or else. No one is going to respond to a stupid chain letter. Anyway, have fun and be ready to be recurited. The second was this morning when I was asked to attend by one of my clients.
Considering we have a sizeable contract currently in negotiation I thought it would be prudent to attend and not risk offending them just as we are about to close the deal. A number of things struck me as odd. I saw virtually no referrals from outside the group….. BNI has customers not members. Unlike a golf or service club, members of BNI have no equity in the organisation. They have no say in the rules or structure…..
YOu only wasted 3 hours of your life instead part of 3 years. Jack that second article was good! I had no idea just how many people felt taken advantage up by BNI until I posted this article.
Thanks for your blog as a place to vent! Thanks to your blog, we are able to spread the word about this evil organization. I have at times seen all that was reported, and I have also seen it all happen very differently — all in the same chapter at different times.
Our chapter is what WE make it be. One surprize I have had is how much of this can actually be helped by an active education coordinator and by an active membership committee that truly reviews how folks are doing each month.
Small nudges made at the right time can keep the bad trends away, but this may not be happening effectively in many chapters. The big BNI organization well, just oru area director did step in at one point and give us a good slap in the face and kick in the pants. The catch was that we really needed these pushes and I am thankful to the area director for the wake-up calls — they made our group much more effective.
So why would I be using your points? Because they have alot of validity and I want to review where we stand this week with respect to them. Simply pointing them out will do much to cut down on their frequency. I think we are OK overall but there are some places where frank comments are needed. So dear readers, what to take away? What Grumpy Nerd reports can and does happen, but it does not have to happen and it does not always happen. It depends on the chapter. Here is one stat I love and it is available in almost every VP report in every meeting: That is a reality check.
If you are in a chapter where these bad trends are happening, then step in and halt them. The chapter is what YOU make it be and you do not need to be a senior officer to cause changes. Think of it as protecting your investment. It is your chapter, make it work.
By the way, she manages a home products store that supplies products to the home improvement people. I have been on a writing binge. Here is one more. I must have hit a nerve. Hahaha, you said everything I had in mind, thank you! Everybody has to act the same way in this system. Great stuff, I was bombed out for missing six meetings in a 4 month period, thank the lord for that. BNI is a complete waste of money. My Chapter in the UK comprised the usual small smll town butcher, baker, candlestick maker.
I received no referals for my meeting room and office space brokerage and was criticised for not passing on referrals when I had none to give. If you want more punishment sign up to Ivan Misners Twitter account - Jeez, an endless stream of cod psychology and prattle.
BNI is a complete and utter waste of time and money. We got tons of referrals in BNI. Exactly one of them was worth a shit and let me tell you how that got fucked up. I like to reward people for passing sales leads to us. So I struck a deal with the member who passed the lead that he would bill the client for the work we were going to do. Great it was all worked out. We submitted our proposal to the BNI chapter member who was in turn going to submit it to his client. Which of course put our cost way out of the market.
The rest were utter and complete fiction to make the member quota. As a regional manager in a large city my former employer would pay for any networking group as long as it made sense. I figured man this guy is a legend in the military and doubted he would remember me as we had only met once or twice. I walked up to MG to introduce myself and told him I remembered him from our unit. His comments are ones that I will never forget as long as I live. So are you completing the application or not?
In all my years I have never been disrespected by another military member until that day. I knew then and there that they only gave a crap about money and nothing else. Every single RSM in the company joined and came to the same conclusion: I must differ with you. The problem is that winners to losers in our chapter my estimate were 20 to 1.
So for every 1 person that did a good business in BNI 19 others wasted their time. The pitch and show to new members was that a lot of business was transacted via referrals during the meeting. How would they know that most of those referrals passed were pure fiction. Why would this blog get so much anti-BNI traffic? Because while there are a small percentage of BNI winners by and large it would seem that the majority of people that sign up for BNI waste their time and their money.
I went twice to BNI and decided not to join. I felt the only ones to benefit were the folk selling stuff that ever business uses. Printer paper, ink etc. Also I was unhappy with the simple formula one member of each profession.
This does not give a true breakdown of businesses in your area. I also felt that in a time like now in a recession, to spend 3 hours a week and pay through the nose for it was just not cost effective for me, a sole trader selling my own time as a database developer. I am a bit short of the hours I want but its only 7 0r 8 hours a week short. If your looking for business try the chamber of commerce in your area, or some sort of non cult network organisation.
Non-cult, well put Glasgow! That is exactly what BNI is. You definitely need to be in your chamber. I am in 2 groups, PNC and a local group. BNI was preventing me from getting out to change my business from closings to foreclosure defense. I am getting with the people I need to be successful. It will take months for me to transition my business, but I will make it work without wasting 4 hours a week in BNI related things.
Jack, are you running any ads on the Internet? What you are doing sounds like a good idea. How much does that cost? Are you making good money with this blog? I am getting pennies, literally, writing what I have. I am patient, confident that my writing on anti-BNI and other topics will pay off eventually. I post my articles through triond. He did quite a bit of work for that money. What I was talking about is using Google advertising for your legal practice.
Size of the city you practice in. How sophisticated your competitors are etc. Try it for a month to see if it works for your business. If it does great. You also have to have a running website for your business and an easy way for people to get in contact with you from the website.
I got a webiste for the business. I am getting into foreclosure defense since the real estate closings have dried up for the most part. I am looking into the best way for SEO for the site, but I think I may do that for the foreclosure defense instead of the law firm. LOL, I got two spicy comments on my last article. I deal with them. Have a good one. BNI is complete and utter bs.
I would actually be stepping back by joining the group. Knowing they are all locked in there for 90 minutes each week giving each other hi fives and wasting there time is comforting to me. I think you nailed every important point in your post. I saw BNI as the equivalent of a double A baseball team. Those that are in there are on their way up or are going to stay mediocre.
Yes, it is great for Mr. After attending a number of networking events in the past few weeks, I have received two phone calls, a letter and a personal approach extolling the virtues of BNI membership. Taylor, I found this blog after googling BNI sucks. Grumpynerd has done a great public service with this website.
Thanks for the comments as always. I wish I had more time to dedicate to ranting on this blog! Yeah, I was involved in BNI for 5 years. It really helped me to discover ways to build my business in the first year or so. After that, it was all downhill.
You would be amazed at some of the conflicts of interest a chapter will have even with the one person from a profession rule. I was not looking for this and no idea how I got to reading such unhappiness and rantings of dissatisfied fellow humans. It is a small PART of my overall marketing and the weekly 90 minutes is well worth the time and effort.
It is not a panacea for bad salesmanship or lack of direction, business sense and target marketing. I have also made some good friends and business contacts that I can call upon for advice or discuss ideas. Some of us actually meet and figure out how we can help each other out.
We invite each other to speak at other organizations so we can expand our clientele. Yes, your membership is what you make of it just like your own business. If chamber meetings work for you, wonderful! I find them to be an old boys club who are interested in drinks and the snacks at the mixers. No, I did not drink the kool-aid. I, and my chapter members, simply concentrate on the benefits that a BNI meeting provides.
The more intelligent visitors even ask the attendance and referral question before we get to them! And if start to see that our chapter is doing thing that you all seem to have inexplicably experienced, we will leave without hestitation.
I think the problem lies with your chapters, directors, leadership teams and shame on all of you not to try and fix the problems. I volunteered for the leadership team after I saw things happening that I did not like. But I was taught to do something about a problem and not just complain about it. Ladies and Gentlemen, maybe you need to visit my Reno chapter and see how you can be a part of the solution instead of the problems.
Hey Grumpy, as you can see, I have been busy with foreclosure defense. So I have not had time to write a new BNI rant. Matt, your situation sounded like mine. A good idea out of the gates, but not anymore.
Good luck with your business. I see the flaw not in our personal execution or the execution of the local chapters but rather with the architecture of BNI. It is designed to show well to visitors insuring a high percentage of them fork over a membership fee.
This while hiding the reality; piles of fake referrals, members trying to hard sell you on their services, and tons of turnover thus insuring a nice flow of cash up the pyramid. But if you run a real business and want to grow that business there are many other options that will be more effective and waste less of your valuable time. You get some one to pay to join a group.
Their role is to find more people to join the group. They can also volunteer their time to help run the group. If they quit, it does not matter because Ivan has made his dollar along with the the regional owner in my case Dawn Lyons. I want to start a business like that - everyone pays, they recruit new clients for me thinking it is to their benefit and they do my work for free.
Yes - some people besides Ivan and Dawn make a lot of money. The realtor, the contractor, a few of the folks with services everyone needs. Most people get very little. I spent a lot, and I mean a lot of time setting up meetings and meeting people for coffee, to try and dig deeper to get to know the various members better and send them referrals.
I honestly believe the people thought that. At least on the surface. But as many on here have pointed out, upon further examination, many of them would admit they had worked their fannies off for not much return. The whole mess is forced, unnatural and downright uncomfortable for most people. One of the most insidious things about this whole dynamic is that people indeed feel trapped and ashamed because they have been duped into spending a rather large sum of money, so they continue with the charade until they can at least feel like they have gone the extra mile.
I would guess this is about 1 year. One of the biggest wastes of time and money I have ever experienced. In his second story about net neutrality, John calls on all the diverse groups of Internet dwellers, even the trolls at 4chan and Reddit who hate him, to come together and support net neutrality, since it's the one thing they can all agree on.
Warner replied with another video that he didn't need a "comedian fool" telling him what to do, scored with absurdly epic music. At this point John actively tried to keep it going by challenging Warner to respond to every one of his own videos in an increasingly epic way, using the same music plus flame jets.
Unfortunately, Warner didn't respond and the incident has yet to be referenced again, not even by the show itself to celebrate John's victory.
Even Evil Has Standards: And what was Carey in charge of? And then in his segment on North Dakota's oil business, he states that even Texas bans indemnification clauses clauses in employee contracts that completely absolves the company of any legal fault or obligation to pay settlements in the event of said employee's injury or death in the oil industry, and to emphasize the point, he jokingly states that Texas is so loosely regulated that "their speed limit is 'let 'er rip', and their age of consent is just a drawing of a wink!
You're less regulated than In yet another instance, he pointed out the very telling irony that now-former British prime minister David Cameron 's tax credit reform legislation — which many financial experts said would unfairly hurt the working class and especially single-parent households — was struck down by the House of Lords , the most hilariously, ridiculously "privileged rich British" organization imaginable, because even they felt it was too hard on low-income individuals.
Everything's Better with Monkeys: In his episode on standardized testing, John watches a pep rally revolving around standardized testing that featured a guy in a monkey suit. He decides that's pretty good, and brings his own dancing monkey on the set. However, after seeing the video about a girl who couldn't get into an advanced course because of a standardized test, he explodes at the monkey for making the child cry , and tells him to scram.
He then brings the monkey back as a way to encourage policy makers on how to fix the system. Everything's Better with Penguins: Penguins are featured in the shortened TSA segment partly because as flightless birds, they could only fly with the TSA's help , with John admitting their appearance helps make things happier after a depressing episode. They're also the only birds exempt from John's "Fuck you, birds! Everything's Louder with Bagpipes: John feigns love for bagpipe music while trying to woo Scotland into remaining part of the United Kingdom in his segment about the Scottish independence referendum.
Everything's Precious with Puppies: In order to make Supreme Court hearings more interesting to the general public as the Supreme Court doesn't allow cameras into the hearings , the show staged a hearing using dogs as the justices and lawyers, dropped the raw footage on YouTube , and then basically sat around to allow the internet to do its thing. In order to prove to Dr. Oz that you can pander without making false claims about products, Oliver brought out an adorable puppy that he literally calls precious.
Neither I nor the puppy am making unsubstantiated claims about potentially harmful dietary supplements! You're not doing that, are you, puppy? Because you don't need to, do you, precious? Exactly What It Says on the Tin: John showing tiny hamsters eating tiny burritos at the end of a segment on capital punishment.
He even invokes this trope with the following quote: There was a YouTube video this week of tiny hamsters eating tiny burritos, and it's as magical and as uncomplicated as you think.
During a story on corporate tax evasions, John plays a clip from a statement by the CEO of Apple to Congress, where he denies hiding the company's money in "some Caribbean island". John then points out that the money was actually hidden first in Ireland, then the Isle of Jersey, which are islands, but not Caribbean islands. John jokingly says that crying in public is punishable by banishment in Britain, and states that the only reason he is in the U.
John's hypothetical campaign ad against Mitch McConnell features nothing but an old man's wrinkled penis. In order to demonstrate the coverage of the Affordable Care Act, John shows a picture of a middle-aged man in a thong, shot from the back: Terrible, but better than nothing. To demonstrate its potential replacement, the American Health Care Act, he has the thong lowered halfway. Not a deliberately offensive fic, but to quote John: And let me be completely clear about this: This is actually a book for children!
This is a real children's book. This isn't some adult book telling Mike Pence to go fuck himself. Although in buying it, that's exactly what you would be doing! In collecting money from municipal violations from those who are too poor to pay, the system will often waste an inordinate amount of resources prosecuting them for that inability, including jail time, the overall cost of which far exceeds any money they might recoup from the offender.
On a similar note, John explains that, due to the ineptitude of the Florida justice system, a sickly, non-violent offender was imprisoned because he could not cover the cost for a public defender, which contradicts the constituional right to be provided a free, public defender if a person cannot pay for a lawyer on their own.
While the state was eventually paid the fee, John notes that it was much less than the money the state paid to imprison him. Invoked deliberately for comedy, mostly coming from external sources; given that the show is uncensored, it often gets downright disgusting.
The fake Mitch McConnell attack ad uses of footage of an old man's naked, flappy dick. In the ALEC segment, two California state legislators excitedly discussing their fondness for spanking into a hot mic; as John himself puts it, they're simply not very good at telling when things are turned on.
The Canis Latinicus opening. When discussing FIFA's request that Brazil change the law in order to allow alcohol in sports stadiums, they played a clip of a French FIFA official, Jérôme Valcke, asking them to do so in a thick French accent, while cautioning that he may sound "a bit arrogant" in doing so. It's not surprising how John continued by mocking him in a thick French accent: After John heavily criticized coal CEO Bob Murray in a segment on coal, Murray sued him for defamation, despite all of the information presented on Murray being either factual or clearly satirical.
True to this trope, a judge dismissed the case in February arguing that the plaintiff's side lacked merit. Fully Automatic Clip Show: Most of the "And Now, This" segments.
In his segment on food waste, John is aghast at how excess food production is not only wasting precious water supplies, but all that thrown out food is producing methane, which is a more potent greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide. The North Dakotan oil industry has damaged farmland throughout the state. Discussed in-depth during the segment on online harassment. Discussed in his discussion on the idea of "Spreading out" vaccines over a longer period of time, as opposed to immediate vaccination on schedule or no vaccination John: The problem is, it's the middle ground between sense and nonsense.
It's like saying "It would be crazy to eat that entire bar of soap, so I'll just eat half of it. During the inaugural episode's profile of India's election, the country's cable news networks are shown to not only have mimicked the American formula pointless cross-talk, quickly moving graphics , but taken everything Up to Eleven in the process.
Do you have self-righteous anchors repeating themselves, over and over again? How dare you say I take money, simply? How dare you say I take money? You say this to me, how can you say I take money? You -- how dare you say I take money, Ms. Holy shit, they've stolen our formula! Also the adoption of homophobic rhetoric by Ugandan politicians to push for an anti-homosexual agenda, which only came to fruition after a lengthy visit by American pastor Scott Lively.
All you [Scott Lively] were saying was "Gay people are evil, insidious Nazis Lively out, Lively out! Lots of fun, right? Good Girls Avoid Abortion: The segment on Crisis Pregnancy Centers CPCs mentions that in order to keep the abortion rate low, and eventually non-existent, they set themselves as alternatives to places like Planned Parenthood.
Oliver also mentions that although they do provide some worthwhile services like parenting classes and free diapers, the attitude of some of these places is, "once the baby baby is born, the mother and child are on their own, lest they become parasites to our organization.
Gosh Dang It to Heck! The third season finale ends with a montage of comedians and random New Yorkers declaring "Fuck you, ! Invoked by John in the segment on the Scottish independence referendum. After citing examples from romantic comedies, he tries to convince Scotland to stay in the United Kingdom by eating a bite of haggis, drinking Scotch whisky, bringing out a pantomime unicorn and listening to bagpipe music.
The vote ended with the majority of Scots voting against independence, so mission accomplished. John's proposed streaming video network Nutflix, where it mostly shows people getting kicked in the balls, which he mentions in his segment about net neutrality. John notes how season 2 delivered one after another of those regarding prisoners — mandatory minimums overcrowd prisons, bail punishes the poor, public defenders are overworked and understaffed, and people get arrested due to minor municipal violations — and if one binge watches those four segments, it's better to go after some ice cream.
John feigns love for haggis while trying to woo Scotland back to remaining part of the United Kingdom in his segment talking about the Scottish independence referendum. John Oliver sometimes does this. How John sees Guantanamo Bay. In the October 9, episode's segment on the Cuban detainment camp, he argued that it would be better for the United States to close the facility due to the conditions and the somewhat shaky legal justifications for its existence.
The poster for season five shows John with his head on his desk, looking absolutely exhausted. Here We Go Again! After the elections in the UK, which occurred less than nine months after the failed referendum on Scottish independence, John is aghast that the Scottish National Party has won nearly all the Scottish seats in the UK Parliament, meaning another referendum in the near future is very likely.
The montage of all the times conservatives said Obamacare would soon be repealed ended with one Republican asked whether he'd still try to repeal it, all but saying that he would. Discussed in his segment on The NCAA , where university athletic departments use this to justify not paying their players.
Discussed in his May 8, segment on scientific studies seen on daytime network shows. The message of that segment is that the general public frequently misuses science either intentionally or unintentionally to draw conclusions that serve their interests and fail to accurately check the research.
Discussed in relation with the Mosquito Control District Board of Litchfield, New Hampshire — an administrative body comprised entirely of two men in a completely empty room, who nonetheless go through all the proper procedure demanded of their jobs, including reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, calling the roll, and opening the floor to input from a non-existent audience.
John even mentions that their admirable level of dedication to a thankless job just makes the apathy they face even more heartbreaking. The saga of five geckos stranded on a Russian satellite, as told in three hashtags: The segment on auto-lending primarily focuses on these types of dealerships and discusses the major problems they cause. Mike Bost doesn't quite appreciate sifting through all the bills the Illinois General Assembly has to pass every day.
In his segment on voting, John points out that lawmakers who push restrictive voter ID laws in the name of preventing fraud are often guilty of stealing the votes of their fellow lawmakers during legislative sessions, some even using sticks to log in the vote of their fellow legislators while they're not even looking.
He then loses his train of thought and an intern does the same thing for him. I Am Very British: John portrays Trump's Russia scandal as this, referring to it as "Stupid Watergate" , as it has "all the intrigue of Watergate, except everyone involved is really bad at everything. He'll mock America like no one's business, but he's made it clear he does love living there, and thinks the country has a lot of great things about it.
John taunted Jack Warner while pillars of fire rose behind him he later acknowledged the set nearly burned that day. The "Fuck You " piece in the season three finale earned an explosive visual translation. Discussed during the segment on mental illness. One of the only times people — Republican legislators, in particular — appear to be willing to talk about it is in the aftermath of mass shootings, even though statistics acknowledge that mentally ill people are more likely to be the victims of violent crimes rather than the perpetrators, and each discussion comes off as a diversion in debates over gun control as ultimately neither problem is resolved.
Played straight during the May 22, segment on Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov and his lost cat , with John insinuating that Kadyrov is psychotic for his human rights abuses and his authoritarianism. The Internet Is for Porn: After Jack Warner called him a "comedian fool", John replied that that wasn't an insult so much as his business card.
During the Season 3 trailer, John actually agrees with the criticism thrown at him, and he seems less perturbed by the fact that Cher said he had a "wee rat face", and more amazed that Cher acknowledged that he existed! In both the Season 3 trailer and subsequent social media covers for the show, there are four negative assessments they had to be proud of — along with "comedian fool", there was "more unpleasant than a diuretic", "very boring", and "Makes people dumb". When a British reporter compares Queen Elizabeth II to a train, in that they both just keep chugging along she's Britain's longest-serving monarch , John finds the comparison insulting.
Trains serve a purpose. Everybody thinks of IRS employees as an Acceptable Target , but John explains that IRS employees are not a bunch of evil Obstructive Bureaucrats who take all your money , but an underfunded, understaffed, overworked group of Beleaguered Bureaucrats who are Just Following Orders — and not orders from their superiors in the IRS, but orders given to them by Congress ; orders that they are constantly changing.
He also says that there's something heroic about doing an important job that is that soul-crushingly boring. I Reject Your Reality: John says that the unintentional message of the Republican National Convention is that politicians can treat feelings as fact, regardless of how much the actual facts contradict them. Is the Answer to This Question "Yes"? When interviewing General Keith Alexander of the National Security Agency, John asked if he believes the NSA is suffering from a perception problem with the American people, telling him to keep in mind that the answer is "yes.
In his segment on diplomatic translators, he claims it will end with you getting mad at a donkey. Because the donkey, named Smoke, was able to be processed and sent to America faster than a person after being taken in by an army base in the Middle East, while a translator who aided the military and is now being hunted for it has taken more than three-and-a-half years.
Yes, a donkey was able to get into America in eight months but the translator took over three-and-a-half years. In the season one finale, John plays a bunch of clips of his sillier moments in the show, such as a breakdancing Abe Lincoln. He then reminds viewers that Lincoln actually went hand in hand with a segment on gay rights in Uganda.
Many of the background graphics. It's All About Me: John loves mocking people with extreme egos. The thing is that Sen's only concern was that he bet money on Pacquiao, and he's not exactly someone who can complain about being unfair, considering the corruption and repression that has defined his regime. John's wife is a combat veteran, so any segment referring to mistreatment of military personnel or veterans is likely to cause him to stop the jokes and become legitimately angry.
Similarly, he's a parent, so stories where children are mistreated, especially by those who are supposed to be taking care of them, will get him pissed. Jack Bauer Interrogation Technique: Deconstructed in his segment on torture. Despite most people, even Antonin Scalia , thinking Jack Bauer's methods work in Real Life , studies have proven that torture is not only damaging to America's reputation, but is completely useless at getting out real information from terrorism suspects, as people will say just about anything their tormentors want to make the pain stop, even if it means making stuff up Jaywalking Will Ruin Your Life: Several lead stories are about how mostly small offenses can lead to huge problems when low-income people have trouble paying the fines.
If someone can't pay the fine off immediately, many additional fines will be added until paying the fine off is all but impossible, at which time they will be jailed for failure to comply; if the defendant attempts to contest the charge in court, they're more often than not issued a court-appointed lawyer who is so overworked they have no time to actually look at a case, and instead prompt their clients to just settle with a plea deal that is usually horribly unfair.
There is also the problem that some states require you to pay for these lawyers yourself — if you can't, you're fined, and the process starts all over again. Jerkass Has a Point: John concedes that Donald Trump had every right to be annoyed at the quirks in the political primary system, which rewarded more delegates to Ted Cruz in Louisiana despite that fact that he lost the state in the popular vote.
Which of course became deeply ironic when Trump won the presidency despite losing the popular vote. Jerk with a Heart of Gold: John's stage persona appears to be a caustically bitter cynic who does not hesitate to tear into human stupidity with misanthropic Gallows Humor and caustic sarcasm; this is however an act to hide the fact he is actually a Sad Clown whose true fury is reserved for the cruel-selfish-and-corrupt who victimize innocent and decent people.
John bemoans an attempt by Lowe's to replace their sales associates with robots. Not because he inherently disapproves of using robots in place of humans, but because robots are fundamentally incapable of performing the real job sales associates are there for: Just Like Making Love: If you loudly announce that you will always come first, you're going to have trouble finding partners.
While John Oliver has gone into many dissections of the flaws in America's legal system, he especially views their immigration courts like this. The narration at the end comments that it makes only slightly less sense than real American immigration courts.
John eventually shutters Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption after receiving several bottles of semen, some of which are presumed to be fake and others He considers this the point at which any endeavor has met its end. All the monetary donations were in turn given to Doctors Without Borders.
John points out that the same day that Britain voted for the "Brexit" from the European Union, which some supporters, such as the UKIP, praised as "Britain's Independence Day" — in contradiction to the fact that Britain was already an independent nation, and as John points out, several other countries celebrate the anniversary of their independence from Britain — London itself got trashed in the actual sequel to Independence Day.
In the Canadian anti-adultery advert, the narrator tells lumberjacks to turn off their chainsaws and hockey players to stop skating around. Then it switches to a moose, whom the narrator tells to keep moosing because it doesn't concern him.
John's monologue at the end of the French presidential election episode was filmed in black and white, has him deliver the closing monologue in French , smoking cigarettes, and with an accordion player right beside him, while sitting in a bistro overlooking the Eiffel tower. Lie Back and Think of England: John claims that "feelings are supposed to be irrelevant" is printed on every British marriage certificate.
Like an Old Married Couple: Limey Goes to Hollywood: Invoked ; a Running Gag in his show is that John frequently discusses his success in the States when compared to his native UK. After that, he appeared seven times in the first two seasons of Mock the Week , which took him to the middle of After that, he showed up on The Daily Show in July and his career skyrocketed.
The United Kingdom, where I am more commonly known as The Los Angeles Times even asked if the costume designer is so overwhelmed in the creation of silly costumes that as consequence, John only has a wide array of checkered shirts. Using the same "seed faith" rhetoric as several televangelists, John and Wanda Jo urge viewers to "sow their seeds" by donating to Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption, while explicitly stating they want actual money, not seeds. They receive at least two bags of seeds anyway.
This also played a part in why the church was eventually shut down: People mailing them semen. Canadian law prohibits non-Canadians from making statements to influence their national politics.
Evidently, it worked, since the next day, Harper lost his re-election. Stating your personal opinion is not considered inducement, and is completely legal When researching the Italian election, John discovered that there is no rule saying that a non-Italian national cannot run for Prime Minister of Italy.
So John promptly put himself forward as a candidate for Prime Minister of Italy. Comes up during one of John's digs at Guy Fieri.
Why do you do ziss to yourselves? One of the many ridiculous things John points out about America's nuclear weapons. As in, the launch computers in nuclear missile silos use them. They're the 8-inch wide ones. Those things barely look powerful enough to run Oregon Trail , much less Earth-ending weaponry! People who work there must watch WarGames and go, "One day, one day we'll get to play with that stuff. They did it by digging up a trade agreement between Australia and Hong Kong, which had a provision that Australia couldn't seize Hong Kong-based companies' properties.
So nine months before the lawsuit started, it put its Australian business in the hands of its Hong Kong-based Philip Morris Asia division, and then they sued claiming that the seized property in question were the trade marks on their cigarette packages. And you've got to give it to them, that's impressive.
Someone should really give those lawyers a pat on the back and a punch in the face. But a pat on the back first; pat then punch, pat-punch.
In the fake attack ad against Mitch McConnell. John then hands Snowden a folder containing so we are told a picture of John's dick. Snowden's reaction suggests John isn't kidding. The episode focusing on Crisis Pregnancy Centers CP Cs ' mentions that they market themselves as alternatives to places like Planed Parenthood to make sure women don't get abortions.
Oliver also mentions that these places offer parenting classes,and even free diapers. He then explains that CP Cs ' not only oppose abortion, but also don't provide contraceptives, which are provided by places like Planned Parenthood, since the operators of CP Cs ' believe that once pregnant everything must be done to make sure a woman must give birth, but once the baby is born, they are on their own since they risk becoming parasites to the CPC.
Invoked and played for laughs in the chicken industry segment. Look, I know this story has been depressing, and you might be wondering, what can you do? The only small satisfaction I can give you is letting Sean Connery voice your feelings. Why am I not shurprished, you piece of shit?! A few weeks later, the church is shut down because they received vials and jars of sperm in the mail, and Wanda Jo and John utter the same statement they made the first time, "We ain't interested in your seeds!
Discovered when attempting to debunk the Miss America Pageant's boast of being the largest provider of scholarships for women; despite learning that the organization's monetary claims are severely overinflated and hard to acquire, they nevertheless are technically correct about their base claim, even if the amount is total bunk. John is disappointed by this. In discussing state lotteries, which often claim that the revenue goes to funding education, John points out that most states fail to actually spend more money on education with these programs in place.
Rather, the existence of this revenue is used as an excuse to remove other forms of revenue while allowing education to break even. Lower corporate taxes are just one example of a cut going hand in hand with the gain. In his segment on smoking, John brings out a correspondence between the tiny country of Togo and Philip Morris International, in which Togo is warned that they would lose any court case, citing the decision of an Australian judge in a previous legal battle.
What they failed to mention is that said judge was the lone dissenting voice on a panel that harshly condemned their business practices, and that PMI actually lost that case. One school in the Standardized Testing segment ended up having a reading section on their test about a talking pineapple and hare that was so surreal that it was taken off the test, especially since it was so bizarre no one was able to understand it.
Thailand's unhealthy to the point of hilarity obsession with Hitler. John even suggests entertainer Rip Taylor a moustached and overtly theatrical guy as a substitute. In an episode discussing the aftermath of Parkland, FL school shooting, John showed a clip of an anti-gun control advocate attempting to shift the blame by complaining that modern pop culture wasn't as wholesome as the Andy Griffith Show.
John countered this by showing a clip from said show where the title character explains why he Does Not Like Guns , since by carrying a gun his authority as a sheriff would come from fear rather than respect.
In a segment on torture, John recounts how an innocent man, due to being mistaken for a terrorist, was chained to a wall and left to die of hypothermia. In a segment about credit report, is shown that two different women named Judy Thomas were denied credit after wrong reports that mistook each for other Judys with another surname. And it somehow goes From Bad to Worse , as another one was mistaken for a terrorist and another mistaken for not just a sex offender ] Invoked by John when he sometimes makes jokes at the expense of Nicolas Cage and Robert De Niro regarding some of their more recent work.
Ronald McDonald , who apparently blacks out periodically and awakes with his hands covered in human blood. While John refused to apologize to Ecuadorian president Rafael Correa for insulting him, he did apologize to Ecuadorian celebrity clown Tiko Tiko for assuming him to be a generic clown as any good Non-Ironic Clown , Tiko Tiko was offended when John made Monster Clown jokes , because Tiko Tiko scares the crap of him.
When discussing standardized tests, John claims the only other way to inspire such terror in your kids with five letters referring to the "a" through "e" multiple choice bubbles is to whisper "clown", complete with appropriate image.
After watching a commercial for an auto loan company, John insists that they not approve the clown featured in it, since clowns are genetically programmed for murder. When a Scranton area native accuses John of treating them like clowns for his amusement after he did a segment on the train set used by a local news station, John responds that he wouldn't do that, if only because he doesn't think clowns are amusing: Clowns are for murder threats, attempted murder, and actual murder.
The main stories often have a lot of this, going from jokes about how ridiculous the subject is to emphasizing just how terrifying the subject is. John argues this is part of the problem with reforming the primary election process: In a segment parodying the hypocrisy of Mother's Day coupled with very little rights and benefits given to mothers in the U. John in one episode, as a joke, claims he was exiled from England for crying during a screening of The Notebook , while in a later episode he claims that the only times he has ever cried as a grown man was during the rousing speeches given by coaches in sports movies.
Infrastructure , a movie where if nothing happens, it's a good thing. After discussing the problems of the bail system, he thinks the reason why many communities haven't implemented pre-trial services is because most people think of bounty hunters like Dog the Bounty Hunter , so John created Pre-Trial Services.
It's cost effective, motherfuckers. When looking for a retirement plan for the show's employees, one of the production companies behind the show, Avalon Television, started with John Hancock.
But the researchers looked further into the plan and realized how much of their money would be gobbled up in fees. After ditching them and setting up a new retirement plan, the show agreed to cover most of the fees because of how embarrassed they were by the crap they put their employees through.
Named Like My Name: During the segment on charter schools, John mentions the school Harambee Institute, which was named long before. He also immediately lampshaded this and pointed out the difference, before he then said "Rest in Peace" to Harambe. For example, a man called Sam Jackson no, not him was mistaken for three sex offenders that shared the same name, one of whom was convicted when he was 3 years old. The show also found two news segments about different women named Judy Thomas who spent years trying to correct errors on their credit reports.
Invoked when John considers the ridiculous line "Socks don't protect my heart", from a sex education video promoting abstinence which compared a woman who had already lost her virginity to heavily used shoes, to be the funniest thing ever said on the show, and he's furious that his people didn't write it.
A Nazi by Any Other Name: Discussed when far-right groups won in European elections in In terms of phrases you never want to hear, ["far-right election victories in Europe"] is right up there with "it's malignant" and "we're losing cabin pressure.
Whenever the United Kingdom is discussed, John will say something related to this. Once he even declared he's known in Britain as "Who? Discussed regarding New Zealand politician Steven Joyce getting a dildo thrown in his face. Although I think we both know this will never be over for you. From now on, your entire life is going to be viewed through a dildonic prism. John occasionally highlights these. Examples include Eliot Management Corporation boat-jacking an Argentine warship and Phillip Morris International bullying several small countries into backing off from tobacco legislation that might hurt their international sales.
John, struggling to keep from laughing, even plays a clip of Melon Kuma's visit to a kindergarten class, where he pretends to bite the screaming, crying children. Literally in his segment on the North Dakota oil industry.
OSHA's inspection division is woefully understaffed and overworked, so the oil industry can get away with a lot of violations. No Such Thing as Bad Publicity: In a web exclusive, after getting tired of news websites using click-bait headlines that claim he's "destroyed" the various topics on the show, John takes out his frustrations on something which can be objectively broken, not just metaphorically — a piñata.
Much like Jon Stewart, he'll preface particularly outrageous truths with "and this is true" or "and this is real! After making a joke about black hair, John tries to Invoke it by finding out if the joke writer was black. When the writer is revealed to be a white man, he's distraught. John Oliver's view of the SVI program, which should give up to 1, translators in Afghanistan — people who have had to risk their lives aiding the U. By now, the ghost of Franz Kafka is thinking, "Don't you dare call this Kafka-esque, I don't want my name anywhere near this shit!
Raymond "Shrimp Boy" Chow, a San Francisco Triad leader and arms trafficker who actually took Scarface -esque glamour shots of himself at one point.
John thinks this of the NRA, which wields outsized influence for an organization whose membership lags behind that of some national gym chains.
He then explains that the reason they're so effective is because their membership is really motivated and has an extremely specific message about gun legislation: John's reaction when he learns that the Thai military government is angry with him, thanks to a previous segment where he made fun of Thailand's then Crown Prince, including calling him an idiot and showing a video with him and his topless wife feeding their dog cake, something so ridiculous he considers it entrapment, because Thailand has a law against lèse-majesté.
Of course, his reaction is to then mock the royal families of the Netherlands, Kuwait, and Denmark , which have similar laws. John has this reaction in his second episode when he finds out that he's going to have to talk about an issue as serious and controversial as the death penalty.
He reacts this way to all the stories of America's mismanagement of its nuclear missiles, from near nuclear mishaps to incompetent officials to the ridiculously outdated equipment. A very genuine, non-rehearsed example: And they know he's there.
He looks terrified again later in the same segment after Snowden informs him that John is probably on the NSA's "list" now. Oliver takes a while to digest the terror of either being hunted by the NSA or being stuck in Moscow forever. In his segment on the wealth gap, Oliver argues that the increasing concentration of wealth in the hands of a rich elite coupled with fewer taxes on inheritance may lead to America developing a "landed gentry" reminiscent of the one that traditionally ruled Oliver's native England.
John even takes it a step further, referring to North Korea as "Earth's Florida". The "Other Countries' Presidents" segment on Tony Abbott naturally features the infamous clip in which Tony, then leader of the opposition party in the Australian Parliament, is questioned by news reporter Mark Riley to contextualize his remark of "shit happens" about a soldier killed in a firefight ; Abbott, in response, falls into a silent panic for half a minute, bobbing his head up and down with his mouth open , then weakly counters, "I've given you the response you deserve".
John plays a clip of Benjamin Netanyahu's speech to the UN, in which he complains about the deal with Iran, and then spends 45 seconds just staring at the delegates. At one point, three separate tellings are played simultaneously, and his delivery barely changes.
Pandering to the Base: Invoked in the Dr. Oz segment; as John demonstrates, you don't need to give unscrupulous testimony to please your audience — George R.
Martin , adorable puppies , ladies catfighting , free T-shirts , Steve Buscemi tap dancing, and a marching corps will do the job even better. Invoked again in the Scottish Independence segment see Grand Romantic Gesture ; when trying to win back Scotland's heart, John does the most stereotypical things imaginable — reluctantly eating haggis, downing a swig of Glenlivet, and enduring bagpipe music.
Once he learns Kenny G is very popular in China, John brings him along to play his sax while trying to calm the Chinese down regarding a naval dispute. When he hears about an auction of pornographic toys in Kansas, John rattles off a number of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz -themed porn titles. Done in either segments about certain companies General Motors denying their cars are death traps , Fanta struggling to not remind viewers of its Nazi Germany origins or to mock the concepts of others tourists are causing damage to Antarctica, so the show made an ad asking "Don't go there!
Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption. With the kicker that — despite being a totally obvious parody of televangelism that says outright its only purpose is to receive donations — it's completely legitimate under current U. The Password Is Always "Swordfish": Discussed with Edward Snowden in a web exclusive outtake from John's interview for the segment on government surveillance, when Snowden notes that simple passwords are so ineffective they are basically pointless.
After discovering he's been put on the Thai government's shit list for mocking the crown prince, John realizes his Thailand vacation is going to be suspended indefinitely.
John himself fears not being able to return to America after speaking to Snowden. John Oliver is not a US Citizen, but instead has a green card. He can be denied entry for any number of reasons, and speaking with Snowden is actually a really, really good reason to deny him entry.
It thankfully didn't happen. In response to random people on the street confusing Edward Snowden, the former NSA contractor who leaked many of their secrets, for Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks.
Edward Snowden is not the WikiLeaks guy. The WikiLeaks guy is Julian Assange, and you do not want to be confused with him. Partly because he was far less careful than Snowden in what he released and how, and partly because he resembles a sandwich bag full of biscuit dough wearing a Stevie Nicks wig.
And, that is— that is critical, Julian Assange is not a likeable man. Even Benedict Cumberbatch could not make him likable!
Discussed and parodied in a segment on the UK Labour Party's misguided use of this for a campaign minibus to attract female voters in the run-up to the Parliamentary elections — while it helps sell toys, the color pink does not automatically garner votes, especially for a leftist party.
Place Worse Than Death: New Hampshire, "where 'live free or die' is a legitimately difficult choice. An entire segment focused on police brutality and accountability , due to the crumbling relations between police and the citizens they are assigned to protect, complete with Precision F-Strike when talking about black students needing classes to understand how not to suffer police brutality.
Combined with Captain Obvious when John decides to troll the New York Yankees by reselling premium seats for 25 cents each to buyers who can best dress like they've never sat in a premium seat, in an effort to lower the prestige of the seats.
We are legally bound to [ John presents a montage of jokes about prison rape from sitcoms and comedy films mostly puerile "dropping the soap" gags to demonstrate that Americans care about prisoners so little, they can comfortably joke about a horrifying thing that potentially could happen to any of them. The egg's going to get fucked against its will! That -- that's why it's funny!
Wake up your children and explain that joke to them, they'll love it! If you're getting high in your house , there is a SWAT team outside your house coming to get you, and they have military grade weaponry which they're not properly trained to use.
People in Yemen and Pakistan are terrified of sunny days, and probably check the skies more often than an adventurer in Skyrim. Drones are practically invisible in them. John is briefly taken aback at how Rep. Steve King R-Iowa describes Mexican drug runners as having "calves the size of cantaloupes" from hauling bales of marijuana across the border — it may be an abhorrent, factually incorrect message, but it's still such a beautiful, poetic way to say it.
Putting on the Reich: Invoked in mentioning the swastika-like flag and fascist salute of Greece's nationalist Golden Dawn party, which are so similar to Nazi Germany's symbols and rallies that Hitler could conceivably sue them for infringement of copyright. Lest we forget, when Europe goes far-right, they go far right through Belgium. When John brings out people from all walks of life to demonstrate why gerrymandering is harmful to democracy, one is a racist grandma.
He's quick to warn her not to say anything. In the segment on the NCAA, following an MTV Cribs -style clip showing the opulent football facilities at the University of Alabama illustrating how colleges aggresively use their funds to build stadiums and sports facilities: I never thought I'd say this, but Alabama, stop showing off your ostentatious wealth.
The sentence, "We did it perfectly at the end of The Vietnam War ", regarding resettling refugees who helped the U. Stop hiding in bananas in Pittsburg area Walmarts, get your shit together, and fight terrorism like snakes and bees! I never thought I'd say this, but that intergalactic space lord has a point! Real Song Theme Tune: The opening theme is the opening of "Go" by Valley Lodge. The presentation and style are almost identical to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart , but concentrating on considerably fewer issues to write more cutting comedy, while The Daily Show runs a lot of fluff pieces.
The two shows diverge in that Last Week Tonight does not have correspondents nor includes in-studio or on-location interviews in every episode. John has mentioned a "Janice in Accounting" several times in his hypothetical pseudo-skits on the show, once as the only person who says "everything is wonderful" and that she's so extremely dysfunctional that it's clear she's lying , and second — the typical depiction of her — as that person who "don't give a fuck", and will eat anything out of the employee freezer including a euthanized lion corpse , give lame Secret Santa gifts, win an office fantasy league while not caring about sports, and take over China's artificial islands!
Janice played by writer Jill Twiss even appeared in the season one finale. The segment on prisoner re-entry examines the numerous barriers which make it harder for parolees to start anew; most notably, being asked whether they'd ever been convicted, to the point that one state actually gives tips on how to answer such questions without directly referencing their prison time.
As a reward for his viewers sitting through a segment on capital punishment only two episodes in, John shows a video of tiny hamsters eating tiny burritos.
Following his segment on abortion, John plays a video of sloths in a bucket, and subsequently brings out an animal trainer who puts a live sloth on his desk in a nightcap to help viewers sleep. Steve Scully, "the most patient man on television," apparently deals with his crazy callers by retreating into images of space, animals, and plants before a spirit deer informs him that it's time to start paying attention again.
The vagina is what's left. Rooting for the Empire: Invoked and discussed during the segment on municipal violations, where John plays a clip of a deputy in Orange County tossing out suspended traffic licenses most of which were due to insolvent owners given small fines while dressed in a Grinch costume, then remarks that it's not a good idea to try and garner sympathy for your cause when you're play-acting as a misanthropic villain who steals from people.
Deconstructed in his segment on monarchies, as Oliver argued that generations of inbreeding coupled with a privileged upbringing can result in the heir either being a potential tyrant or a weak monarch. John feels the only way to get people to do something about the hilariously exorbitant Loophole Abuse regarding stadiums and their troubles is to give a fake halftime speech. In the segment about doping, John describes cyclists who have hidden urine-filled condoms in their anuses and covered them with fake hair, saying their coach must've given one hell of a pre-race speech to get them to do that.
Highlighting a country on a map, then saying "a country you think about so little For example, when the race horse California Chrome lost the chance to win the Triple Crown, he puts up a picture of the other horse and says "I wanted a different horse!
Making up Twitter hashtags based on random jokes e. Their most common is to include the pair " Feminism, [completely unrelated topic]" to anything remotely related to women. Later, in fake advertisement for Peeble , an app in which users are rated by Mario van Peebles, Mario calls him a rat-faced bastard and gives him two stars.
The trailer for the third season featured one of Cher 's tweets, which said John has a "wee rat face" with the rat represented by a rat emoji. Saying that only a certain group can successfully make an article of clothing look good , then showing an image of Gwyneth Paltrow doing the same as a counterpoint.
John absolutely hates Caillou. Whenever John wants to relay a message to Donald Trump directly, he takes out an ad on programs Trump watches, always narrated by the Catheter Cowboy, a parody of catheter ads in which a cowboy shills said product. Shilling DeWalt ladders and taking swipes at their competition, Werner, while insisting that he's only doing so out of a personal fondness for the former.
John insisting that the Olsen Twins are in fact one person who is moving back and forth at superhuman speeds to create the illusion of being two people, and that there is a grand conspiracy to convince the world there are two of them , for reasons he cannot understand.
The Celebrity Resemblance between John and U. Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. In season four, after catching Donald Trump in a lie or mistake, John will sometimes proclaim "We got him! Eventually, the tiger mascot loses his temper and smashes the button. Then he switches it up with a "We got her! Mocking the rock band Smash Mouth , culminating in his getting the New York City Gay Men's Chorus to sing their song "All-Star", on the basis that it was a shitty song sung in a beautiful manner, and thus served as a perfect representation of America.
Anytime he ends a clip of people saying or doing Totally Radical stuff, he says "Cool" in the most flattened, forced inflection. He calls out some Republican nominees for blaming mass shootings on mental illness so they won't have to address the issue of gun control; even though mentally ill people are more likely to the victims , rather than the perpetrators, of violent crimes.
In the segment about multilevel marketing, Market America CEO JR Ridinger uses this to explain how his company isn't a pyramid; he calls it a 'dimaryp'. Second Place Is for Losers: John admits that his credit report is probably low, given he spends HBO's money on "silly costumes, Impressive Pyrotechnics and checkered shirts.
You probably didn't notice it at the time because you were too fixated on my bold choice of shiny gray tie with checkered dress shirt. The tie says "Matthew funeral", the shirt says "high school debate tournament" and the face says "I am not confident enough to carry this look off". He does it again in the first episode of season four, referencing his haters about his show, saying that they most likely call it Last Cuck Tonight with Johnny Triggerwarning.
John refers to Britain as the place where he is "affectionately" known as "Who? My British accent does not sound intellectual. Believe me, I sound like a chimney sweep passing through a wood chipper. In the retirement episode a running gag was that the research staff was working hard while John and everybody else were wasting time googling pictures of teacup pigs.
At the end of the May 6, episode, it was revealed that the Blockbuster in Alaska accepted the Russell Crowe memorabilia the show bought for them, and Crowe then donated a large amount of money to the Australia Zoo, which is run by the family of the late Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter , and used it to set up the John Oliver Koala Chlamydia Ward.
Oliver then announced that having a Koala Chlamydia ward named after him was the goal of the show, and announced that he was stepping down, and thanked all his viewers for watching the show all these years, walking off set as it was being taken down.
On May 13, , he started his show by claiming that his contract with HBO is still in effect, and he can't just walk away like he tried to do. Also, he claimed that he visited the ward, and was disgusted by the koalas up close that he doesn't want anything to do with them.
A segment regarding the crown prince of Thailand landed John Oliver on their police watchlist, after he apparently violated a law prohibiting the mockery of that country's royalty. He decided to tempt fate further by insulting the royalty of Saudi Arabia, the Netherlands and Denmark, which have similar laws on the books.
Just in case a pastiche wasn't enough, here's him on the real thing. And in the segment on lead poisoning, Sesame Street characters came to the show.
In the Halloween episode, John is shocked to discover that "sexy" female Halloween costume versions of both comedian Louis C.
Shifting the Burden of Proof: Discussed in his segment on vaccines, where he lambasted Representative Dan Burton R-IN for employing the proving a negative version. Proving a negative is an impossible standard. And that is also a slippery slope , because that means that I can say to you, "You, Dan Burton, are a donkey fucker. You dress up donkeys in cheerleader outfits, and you fuck them. It's what you're into, and you do it all the time.
The televangelists, who have been shown to ask for large donations from people who can't afford them, and who use those donations for personal enrichment.